Moment of uncertainty

I started tweeting this, and realized it was way more suited for a blog post.

My last ever round of course bidding just finished, which leaves me feeling wistful and slightly anxious.  There are increasingly more and more signs appearing indicating our time here at Kellogg is drawing to a close.  As I read through the Facebook stream of people bragging of their 3-day-week schedules and minimum requirements, I realize what a contrast it is with my schedule, which will have 6 classes and the absolutely unshakeable need to audit a 7th.  I'm also going to the gym multiple times a week, and just started a hip hop dance class.  I maintain a firm sleep schedule of 7-8 hours a night.

I had coffee with a 2010 alum today, who told me she both admires and feels sorry for me, for taking on so much.  She couldn't understand it - she spent her Spring quarter drinking wine and hanging out with her friends, a situation I'm understandably envious of.  I, on the other hand, seem to have chipped away at my social life down to the occasional dinner or party, and I've given up on rebuilding a tolerance to alcohol.  The fact I'm writing this during TG is probably a sign.

I enjoy people. I like making friends, and spending time with them.  But I also have this overpowering need to achieve, to make something of myself.  I remember when I was in college, taking a full load of classes through 4 straight summers in a row, how everyone told me I should "stop and smell the roses."  I didn't listen then, and sometimes, I do regret not taking the time to explore, travel, savor a little more.  But yet, I find myself falling into the same pattern again now, 8 years later.  I'm not even sure what it is I'm chasing so hard, I just know I'm running as fast as I can.  If I'm honest, deep down I'm a little terrified that when I start my full time job, I'll get comfortable, fall into a routine, and stagnate, which is probably driving some of my current behavior.  I just know this urge is so strong, it's not a choice - it's a compulsion.

And so I find myself facing another quarter of obsessively planning out my time in half hour increments.  I can truthfully say I have succeeded in upping my productivity by ruthlessly cutting out anything I consider fat*.  I'm going to try to make the most of my last quarter, by taking 6 or 7 classes, each of which I have discrete goals for.  I'm planning on using Spring vacation as a health (and mental health) break, to eat right, read books, and work out every day.  I'm also giving up my last vacation post graduation to take an intensive language class (8 hrs/day, 5 days/week).  And it's only when I meet with other people that I get hit with a moment of uncertainty... is it really so weird to prioritize work > mindless fun?

*Note: Seriously, fun is NOT considered fat - I hosted a great Superbowl party, I have had dinner twice this week with old friends, I'm going to Charity Auction Ball tomorrow, and have a great weekly breakfast with a disreputable lot.  Furthermore, I am also finding time for little side projects, ie. I've been cooking from scratch 2-3 times a week, which is really enjoyable.  I guess in the same way Kraemer says we shouldn't let other people define success for us, I've stopped letting others define what fun is to me.

So yes, I have my moments of uncertainty.  I have my worry that maybe I'm missing the point of business school, which is to create this far-flung, expansive network by going out with/getting sloshed with a constantly rotating set of people.  But then, it passes.  I came to business school to find a career.  I still have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.  Instead, I may have found myself.  And that is infinitely more valuable.

the duality of acceptance

(this post is one of my self reflection papers for MORS468 Managerial Leadership with Harry Kraemer, a class I highly recommend)

There are two traits that are universal among people. First, there is the fundamental need to be accepted by others. This can manifest itself in a variety of ways – the need to be included, popular, liked, respected, etc… but the underlying premise is the same. Secondly, there is an internal struggle for self-acceptance. One of the biggest surprises of attending business school is the widespread extent to which so many talented and accomplished young men and women suffer from low-esteem. Outwardly, everyone is brimming with confidence, but the majority of people I have gotten close to have expressed many self-doubts, the very same ones that I harbor and make me feel inadequate.

Humans are fundamentally social animals, which births the instinctual need to be accepted by others. This need drives people to change themselves and mold themselves to a certain image. This does serve an important function in society. It is the need to be accepted by others which drives the following of communal norms, such as ethics. But it is also this need which drives “peer pressure,” a term used almost exclusively in a negative context.

A great portion of leadership coaching talks about honoring your needs. After all, whether recognized or not, consciously or subconsciously, people spend a great deal of effort getting needs met. This is true of the need to be accepted by others. People choose how they look, walk, and talk based on perceived reaction from those around them. Even in this class, we learn to mold ourselves into better leaders, as based on the somewhat arbitrary definitions of others.

However, even as we are bombarded by messages to change ourselves to be accepted by others, we are also told to “stay true to ourselves.” In fact, a major aim of modern psychotherapy is to teach patients self-acceptance. Being kind to yourself means accepting yourself for the way you are – hopes, ambitions, strengths, weaknesses, flaws, warts and all. Herein lies the ultimate contradiction. We crave acceptance. How many teenagers, nay, even grown adults change their appearance, their personality, their life situation to win the approval of others? Yet we also need to accept ourselves – and that means as is. You can’t say, “I’d love myself if only I was 10 lbs skinnier” – that is almost certainly not true self-acceptance.

Is it possible to honor the need to be accepted by others while still accepting ourselves? Perhaps the most self-assured people can shrug off the pressure to conform to expectations, but how many of us fall into that category? The rest of us yearn to be a part of a group, to be admired by others. I think we do need to honor our need, to an extent. For example, this may involve changing yourself for the better, although what is considered better? Getting off drugs? Of course. Quitting smoking? Almost certainly. Losing weight? Perhaps. Getting plastic surgery? Now we’re getting into dicey territory…

At the same time, we should strive to be comfortable in our own skin. That means understanding that everything is a process, even self-acceptance. We should treat ourselves no better or worse than we would a good friend – being our own champion when we strive and our own supporter when we stumble, as people inevitably do. In an ideal world, we would be accepted by everyone, including ourselves. Unfortunately, in the real world, you will never be able to please everyone. You will also battle low self-esteem at some points. But the world is hard enough, without being your own enemy. We are taught that being a leader is about prioritizing and allocating resources. Why should acceptance be any different then? Prioritize and allocate resources against the various constituents for acceptance: acquaintances, friends, family, and remember, the number one priority for acceptance should be yourself.

For the second time this quarter, it dawned upon me how much happier I am this quarter than last, and I think it is for several reasons.

- I feel like I am learning something from and am actively engaged in all of my classes

- I am sleeping 8-9 hrs a night, instead of 6-7

- I am moving on past a crappy relationship

- I give myself one day every week to be at home, alone

- I feel incredibly productive all around

- I am kinder to myself when I make mistakes

- I don't guilt trip myself (or am doing it less) for not living up to unrealistic expectations

What's amazing is I don't think I've taken on any less - I'm still taking 5 classes, one of which is a significant side project which just happens to be the most challenging thing I've ever done. I am definitely outside my comfort zone in a few areas, and am also giving up to 10 hours of case prep every week. But for some reason life just seems to be moving at a more manageable pace, where I am giving myself enough time to sleep and also focusing on getting discrete projects or tasks done. This makes me realize a few things - how much time I wasted last quarter tormented by a bad relationship, that I should dare to reduce what I take on because the benefits are tangible, and how important it is for me to find meaning in what it is I'm doing.

Part of being more self-reflective this quarter means (omg so fuzzy) being more in touch with my feelings, so I have definitely have had days of melancholy. Some of my best friends are on exchange this quarter, so I miss having them around and there's still lingering sadness over a few things I regret or wish I could change. But I am also filled with optimism - for example, one of the areas I have pushed myself in is networking with more people, both reaching out to strangers and staying connected with contacts from my past. The response, support, and advice I have gotten has been inspiring. I am glad I am taking the time to look inward because it gives me perspective, guidance, and the strength to face the outside world.

Random musings

When I was young, I flew a lot. The only time I ever got scared was during landings, because I did not like the sensation of sinking lower and lower. Then, one flight, a nice gentleman sitting next to me informed me that I had nothing to worry about, because if a problem were to occur on an airplane, it was 5 times as likely to occur during takeoff than landing.

Now, I am terrified of both takeoffs and landings.

Cannot believe it

That this is the last week of my first year of Kellogg. It is so unreal, and it definitely has not fully hit me yet. It's been a good (albeit busy) quarter, but I wanted to wish congratulations to all of the incoming class of 2012 and best wishes to all the 2010 graduating class who are moving onto to their next grand adventure, and even the 2011 who are off onto their summer escapades.

And now, some quotes I've been thinking about today:

A good deed is never lost. He who sows courtesy, reaps friendship; he who plants kindness, gathers love; pleasure bestowed on a grateful mind was never sterile, but generally gratitude begets reward.
- St. Basil (329-379, Bishop of Caesarea)

Renunciation is not getting rid of the things of this world, but accepting that they pass away.
- Aitken Roshi

If only I could throw away the urge to trace my patterns in your heart, I could really see you.
- David Brandon (Zen in the Art of Helping)

In the spirit of Patrick English

I fucking love Kellogg professors.

And yes, the profanity is really necessary. I've never been more impressed by a bunch of teachers, who are razor-sharp smart, fun & entertaining, and genuinely care about their students. Now of course there is variance among the pool, but the number of professors who stand out at Kellogg I do feel is larger than average.

For instance, today, Schummer and McKeon, two Decision Analysis profs, gave a 2 hour long session on card-counting. This was not a theoretical exercise. These two professors actually frequent Vegas together as a card-counting team for fun (and profit), and have been quite successful, if their life-time bans from multiple casinos are any indication. In fact, notice the title of their handout.

Image courtesy of @missfword

We just finished up Special K!, a 30-year old Kellogg tradition that is a revue show that encompasses musical, dance, and theatrical talent with a humorous (hysterical, if you take my biased opinion) view of Kellogg life, soaked in a strong dash of Kellogg culture. The show was a raging success, judging on the feedback we have gotten, and part of what made it so special was the outstanding level of participation by professors. In particular, we had reached out to a number of (quite rockstar) professors, who obviously could have spent their time in many other ways than hanging around us and rehearsing lines to sing with us. Furthermore, other professors were willing to appear in our video shorts, and an even larger number bought tickets to the show, brought their family, emailed out to their students in an outstanding show of support. Yes, Kellogg professors do great research and teach well, but they also have no qualms about poking fun of themselves, have great senses of humor, and are 9 times out of 10 willing to go the extra mile for their students. That's what makes them top notch.

Tim Calkins writes a fantastic blog about happenings in the marketing world, Gad Allon (current Professor of the Year, the highest ) tweets to his students (quote of the day: "Real men use matlab.") and David Besanko sends out relevant, thought-provoking emails to his students on current affairs for no reason other than to stretch our thinking and challenge our preconceptions. I'm lucky enough to be taking Calkins and Besanko this quarter (both HIGHLY recommended) and hopefully I will be able to take Allon's OpStrat next year.

Just wanted to shine a light on something probably less often talked about Kellogg. We have an amazing, fun, student-led culture with clubs & activities up the wazoo, but we have faculty worth going to class for too.

(Chinese) New Year's Resolution (effective immediately)

I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions. It seems really pointless to me to wait until a specific date to try to improve yourself. Therefore, when I come up with a change I'd like to initiate in myself, I want to start right away, and don't bother announcing or labeling it as a resolution. However, with this particular item, I want the world at large to help, so in honor of the next upcoming New Year, I am labeling it my (Chinese) New Year's Resolution:

I resolve to be friendly to everybody. This means a genuine smile and greeting to people I know, or who greet me.

The reason this comes up is because 1. I'm trying to shield myself from the crankiness and frustration I feel creeping in from the ongoing recruiting and 2. I know at even my 2nd quarter, I am starting to develop impressions of other people, suppositions of their feelings towards me, and expectations (both positive and negative) of their future behavior. In other words, I find myself writing people off. This is good from a time management perspective - why waste time and valuable hurt feelings on people you think have already written you off or with whom you have no meaningful connection. However, I think I'd like to retain my youthful optimism a bit more. Part of this is I'm curious as to how strong the self-fulfilling prophecy really is, and part of this is just me wanting to be an overall better person.

So there you have it. If you walk by me and I don't smile and say hi, you are fully entitled to kick me in the crotch.