Moment of uncertainty

I started tweeting this, and realized it was way more suited for a blog post.

My last ever round of course bidding just finished, which leaves me feeling wistful and slightly anxious.  There are increasingly more and more signs appearing indicating our time here at Kellogg is drawing to a close.  As I read through the Facebook stream of people bragging of their 3-day-week schedules and minimum requirements, I realize what a contrast it is with my schedule, which will have 6 classes and the absolutely unshakeable need to audit a 7th.  I'm also going to the gym multiple times a week, and just started a hip hop dance class.  I maintain a firm sleep schedule of 7-8 hours a night.

I had coffee with a 2010 alum today, who told me she both admires and feels sorry for me, for taking on so much.  She couldn't understand it - she spent her Spring quarter drinking wine and hanging out with her friends, a situation I'm understandably envious of.  I, on the other hand, seem to have chipped away at my social life down to the occasional dinner or party, and I've given up on rebuilding a tolerance to alcohol.  The fact I'm writing this during TG is probably a sign.

I enjoy people. I like making friends, and spending time with them.  But I also have this overpowering need to achieve, to make something of myself.  I remember when I was in college, taking a full load of classes through 4 straight summers in a row, how everyone told me I should "stop and smell the roses."  I didn't listen then, and sometimes, I do regret not taking the time to explore, travel, savor a little more.  But yet, I find myself falling into the same pattern again now, 8 years later.  I'm not even sure what it is I'm chasing so hard, I just know I'm running as fast as I can.  If I'm honest, deep down I'm a little terrified that when I start my full time job, I'll get comfortable, fall into a routine, and stagnate, which is probably driving some of my current behavior.  I just know this urge is so strong, it's not a choice - it's a compulsion.

And so I find myself facing another quarter of obsessively planning out my time in half hour increments.  I can truthfully say I have succeeded in upping my productivity by ruthlessly cutting out anything I consider fat*.  I'm going to try to make the most of my last quarter, by taking 6 or 7 classes, each of which I have discrete goals for.  I'm planning on using Spring vacation as a health (and mental health) break, to eat right, read books, and work out every day.  I'm also giving up my last vacation post graduation to take an intensive language class (8 hrs/day, 5 days/week).  And it's only when I meet with other people that I get hit with a moment of uncertainty... is it really so weird to prioritize work > mindless fun?

*Note: Seriously, fun is NOT considered fat - I hosted a great Superbowl party, I have had dinner twice this week with old friends, I'm going to Charity Auction Ball tomorrow, and have a great weekly breakfast with a disreputable lot.  Furthermore, I am also finding time for little side projects, ie. I've been cooking from scratch 2-3 times a week, which is really enjoyable.  I guess in the same way Kraemer says we shouldn't let other people define success for us, I've stopped letting others define what fun is to me.

So yes, I have my moments of uncertainty.  I have my worry that maybe I'm missing the point of business school, which is to create this far-flung, expansive network by going out with/getting sloshed with a constantly rotating set of people.  But then, it passes.  I came to business school to find a career.  I still have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.  Instead, I may have found myself.  And that is infinitely more valuable.

the duality of acceptance

(this post is one of my self reflection papers for MORS468 Managerial Leadership with Harry Kraemer, a class I highly recommend)

There are two traits that are universal among people. First, there is the fundamental need to be accepted by others. This can manifest itself in a variety of ways – the need to be included, popular, liked, respected, etc… but the underlying premise is the same. Secondly, there is an internal struggle for self-acceptance. One of the biggest surprises of attending business school is the widespread extent to which so many talented and accomplished young men and women suffer from low-esteem. Outwardly, everyone is brimming with confidence, but the majority of people I have gotten close to have expressed many self-doubts, the very same ones that I harbor and make me feel inadequate.

Humans are fundamentally social animals, which births the instinctual need to be accepted by others. This need drives people to change themselves and mold themselves to a certain image. This does serve an important function in society. It is the need to be accepted by others which drives the following of communal norms, such as ethics. But it is also this need which drives “peer pressure,” a term used almost exclusively in a negative context.

A great portion of leadership coaching talks about honoring your needs. After all, whether recognized or not, consciously or subconsciously, people spend a great deal of effort getting needs met. This is true of the need to be accepted by others. People choose how they look, walk, and talk based on perceived reaction from those around them. Even in this class, we learn to mold ourselves into better leaders, as based on the somewhat arbitrary definitions of others.

However, even as we are bombarded by messages to change ourselves to be accepted by others, we are also told to “stay true to ourselves.” In fact, a major aim of modern psychotherapy is to teach patients self-acceptance. Being kind to yourself means accepting yourself for the way you are – hopes, ambitions, strengths, weaknesses, flaws, warts and all. Herein lies the ultimate contradiction. We crave acceptance. How many teenagers, nay, even grown adults change their appearance, their personality, their life situation to win the approval of others? Yet we also need to accept ourselves – and that means as is. You can’t say, “I’d love myself if only I was 10 lbs skinnier” – that is almost certainly not true self-acceptance.

Is it possible to honor the need to be accepted by others while still accepting ourselves? Perhaps the most self-assured people can shrug off the pressure to conform to expectations, but how many of us fall into that category? The rest of us yearn to be a part of a group, to be admired by others. I think we do need to honor our need, to an extent. For example, this may involve changing yourself for the better, although what is considered better? Getting off drugs? Of course. Quitting smoking? Almost certainly. Losing weight? Perhaps. Getting plastic surgery? Now we’re getting into dicey territory…

At the same time, we should strive to be comfortable in our own skin. That means understanding that everything is a process, even self-acceptance. We should treat ourselves no better or worse than we would a good friend – being our own champion when we strive and our own supporter when we stumble, as people inevitably do. In an ideal world, we would be accepted by everyone, including ourselves. Unfortunately, in the real world, you will never be able to please everyone. You will also battle low self-esteem at some points. But the world is hard enough, without being your own enemy. We are taught that being a leader is about prioritizing and allocating resources. Why should acceptance be any different then? Prioritize and allocate resources against the various constituents for acceptance: acquaintances, friends, family, and remember, the number one priority for acceptance should be yourself.