Moment of uncertainty

I started tweeting this, and realized it was way more suited for a blog post.

My last ever round of course bidding just finished, which leaves me feeling wistful and slightly anxious.  There are increasingly more and more signs appearing indicating our time here at Kellogg is drawing to a close.  As I read through the Facebook stream of people bragging of their 3-day-week schedules and minimum requirements, I realize what a contrast it is with my schedule, which will have 6 classes and the absolutely unshakeable need to audit a 7th.  I'm also going to the gym multiple times a week, and just started a hip hop dance class.  I maintain a firm sleep schedule of 7-8 hours a night.

I had coffee with a 2010 alum today, who told me she both admires and feels sorry for me, for taking on so much.  She couldn't understand it - she spent her Spring quarter drinking wine and hanging out with her friends, a situation I'm understandably envious of.  I, on the other hand, seem to have chipped away at my social life down to the occasional dinner or party, and I've given up on rebuilding a tolerance to alcohol.  The fact I'm writing this during TG is probably a sign.

I enjoy people. I like making friends, and spending time with them.  But I also have this overpowering need to achieve, to make something of myself.  I remember when I was in college, taking a full load of classes through 4 straight summers in a row, how everyone told me I should "stop and smell the roses."  I didn't listen then, and sometimes, I do regret not taking the time to explore, travel, savor a little more.  But yet, I find myself falling into the same pattern again now, 8 years later.  I'm not even sure what it is I'm chasing so hard, I just know I'm running as fast as I can.  If I'm honest, deep down I'm a little terrified that when I start my full time job, I'll get comfortable, fall into a routine, and stagnate, which is probably driving some of my current behavior.  I just know this urge is so strong, it's not a choice - it's a compulsion.

And so I find myself facing another quarter of obsessively planning out my time in half hour increments.  I can truthfully say I have succeeded in upping my productivity by ruthlessly cutting out anything I consider fat*.  I'm going to try to make the most of my last quarter, by taking 6 or 7 classes, each of which I have discrete goals for.  I'm planning on using Spring vacation as a health (and mental health) break, to eat right, read books, and work out every day.  I'm also giving up my last vacation post graduation to take an intensive language class (8 hrs/day, 5 days/week).  And it's only when I meet with other people that I get hit with a moment of uncertainty... is it really so weird to prioritize work > mindless fun?

*Note: Seriously, fun is NOT considered fat - I hosted a great Superbowl party, I have had dinner twice this week with old friends, I'm going to Charity Auction Ball tomorrow, and have a great weekly breakfast with a disreputable lot.  Furthermore, I am also finding time for little side projects, ie. I've been cooking from scratch 2-3 times a week, which is really enjoyable.  I guess in the same way Kraemer says we shouldn't let other people define success for us, I've stopped letting others define what fun is to me.

So yes, I have my moments of uncertainty.  I have my worry that maybe I'm missing the point of business school, which is to create this far-flung, expansive network by going out with/getting sloshed with a constantly rotating set of people.  But then, it passes.  I came to business school to find a career.  I still have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.  Instead, I may have found myself.  And that is infinitely more valuable.